It’s hard to believe that four years have come and gone since you suddenly passed away. I can still remember the events as if they just happened yesterday. When I think about things, the pain is still so fresh, so bitterly real, that my heart aches to relive any of it. The twenty four hour period before the end, when Mom and I sat there in the ICU waiting area, was perhaps the longest, most painful period of time I have ever endured.
The nurses and doctors fought hard and did everything they could do. It just wasn’t enough. It wasn’t God’s plan. I remember every sense of hope, fear, anger, more hope, helplessness, frustration, pain, grief, and a wide range of other emotions that long night. I questioned God on several occasions since then. I try to get past it, but to this day I still want to know why. Why would God take you and leave behind a man who beats his wife? Why would He rip you from our lives and leave behind a man who walks into a small town school and murders innocent children and courageous teachers? It just doesn’t make sense to me. People always say that time heals all pain. I’m still not convinced that it does.
You were a remarkable person and someone that so many people in this world never had the pleasure of meeting. You worked hard all of your life. You loved God and did what you could to lead others to Him. You didn’t have a father who ever told you that he loved you, but despite that, you always showed me love. I never doubted for a second that you loved me. You were quiet, yet firm and outspoken when the situation called for it. You were the rock that held our family together.
I feel so overwhelmed at times because I think I need to fill your shoes and take your place. You were always the solid foundation that Mom could rely on in times of trouble. And it wasn’t just the major things in life…it was the little things too. The normal, everyday stuff that we all have to do. You carried all of that for Mom. I can’t do that like you did. I hope you don’t see that as any failure on my part. Even as I write this, I know you don’t.
Holidays are so hard on all of us. Christmas is next week, and once again, there will be a huge, gaping hole in our celebration. In a world so full of changes, you were the one constant that held us all together. By God’s grace, we make it through life. It’s not always easy, but we find a way to survive. To go on. To take one more step, one more breath, even though it hurts with each and every one. Even though they don’t talk about it very often, I know the girls miss you terribly as well. I can see it in their eyes whenever your name is mentioned. I’m forty years old and don’t understand. How could they possibly comprehend any reasoning we could provide to explain your passing?
We cling to the hope that God had a reason to take you away from us. We might not understand it, but we have to live with it. I look forward to the day when we will once again be reunited in a place where the streets are paved with gold, and there will no longer be any pain, suffering, or emptiness. When you look upon the glorious face of our Lord and Savior, Jesucristo, please ask Him to help heal our broken hearts here on Earth.
I miss you and love you more than anything,
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Have a blessed day,